Letters, Letters to My Future Soulmate, Life, Living, Love, Poetry, spirituality, Thoughts

letters to my future soulmate // the third

Mon amour,

Where are you? I’m waiting. Waiting for you to arrive. Waiting for that moment when you walk into the room and I know – just know  – this is it, this is the woman I’ve been waiting for. I’ve finally found you. I wait because when that moment comes, I want to remember exactly what it felt like. I want the moment I fell in love to be indelibly written upon on my heart. So that for the rest of our lives when we go through the hard times and the painful times and the dry times I can hold onto that feeling of first loves and it will carry us through.

Where are you? I’m floating. People tell me I need to learn to be happy loving myself first. That I need to figure myself out first. That maybe God’s going to make me wait longer so that I can keep growing. I’ve dreamt since before I can remember that I would find you and we would marry young. The same age my parents were when they married, in fact – 21. Well, here I am at 21 and you’re nowhere in sight. People tell me that maybe God’s going to make me wait. Three, five, ten more years. I’m not okay with that. Because I’m floating. My life is great. I have a great family and amazing friends. But my life isn’t moving. I’ve paused. And I’m frustrated because I can’t see my future. I can’t see you anywhere. I can’t see the family I’ve always wanted. All I can see is the lonely nights. And all I can hear is people telling me to trust God and I’m trying, but how do I do that when that means letting go of you. At least for now. Because there’s an empty place in my heart where my future belongs.

I don’t understand. Why does this generational curse linger upon me? Why am I forced into the stereotype by the millennial generation? They tell me, “You millennials are getting married older anyway. It’s okay.” No, it’s not okay. I’m different. I always have been. And I’m my own person. I don’t deserve to be confined by a group of people who are known for being lost. That’s not me. I know what I want. But I’m forced into waiting by a God who apparently thinks I’m not ready and I’m just supposed to be okay with that.

I’m angry and I’m learning to let go of you, to trust God. Because apparently that’s what I’m supposed to do. I know God hears my prayers, and sees my tears, and He feels the lonely nights. I know He wants to see me grow stronger. I don’t doubt that. But why does He have to crush me to do it? Why does He have to take the one dream I’ve always had and crush it?

I can only hope He knows what He’s doing. I can only hope He doesn’t forget me in the chaos. I can only hope whatever it is He’s making me wait for, it’s good. And I can only hope that I learn to trust Him in time.

But for now, I wait.

With love,

Yours

Letters, Life

two open letters

I’ve been thinking for a while about doing a series of open letters to two of my former friends. I’ve decided to do it all in one post, but before I do that, a little background information:

When I went to college, I was virtually friendless. I mean, anyone I was close to lived fourteen hours away, so I had to start over. But after a while, there was a group of guys that I grew really close to. We became this sort of band of brothers and the entire campus recognized how close we were. We prayed together, worshiped in our dorm rooms together, hung out together, shopped for groceries together.

Friendship is two-sided. It isn't a friend just because someone's doing something nice for you. That's a nice person. There's friendship when you do for each other. It's like marriage - it's two-sided.   John Wooden:

But I guess I was still the black sheep. I was the only one with mental illnesses that affected the way I relate to people. I grew close to one of the guys in particular who became, probably, my closest friend at the time and a sort of mentor. He let me talk to him, text him, call him if I was feeling overwhelmed or having a “low day.”

In the end, though, he couldn’t handle it. I remember it all so clearly and I see him via friends on Instagram or Facebook every now and then and I see how he’s moved on with his life. I doubt if he even remembers my name.

After a while, though, that pain started to subside a little. After all, even What some men think they (me) look like when conjuring up  a master plan. Ocean included.: though I wasn’t at the school anymore, I had all my other brothers to lean on. Until one day I didn’t. I discovered one day that one of them unfriended me on Facebook. I thought maybe it was a Facebook glitch or something, but my attempts to reach out to him were not reciprocated.

I knew what had happened. He unfriended me on Facebook and, later, blocked me on Instagram. I never got any closure from him. I can only imagine he felt as though he had to choose between my ex-friend and I. And given that I was not in proximity to him, the choice must have been easy.

So these letters are to these two guys, who we’ll call J.J. and O.R.


 

Dear J.J.

Do you remember me?

Do you remember my name? The things I told you? The promises you made? Do you remember how you broke my heart, despite the scars that had only begun to fade? Do you ever think about me with sadness?

Because I do. I remember it all very clearly. I remember  how you made me feel like I wasn’t alone. I remember one time when I was stressed and depressed at finals, you came and sat next to me during our test to help me feel calm. I remember when my roommate was gone, you came and slept in my room so I wouldn’t feel alone and I wouldn’t do anything to harm myself. I remember you asked me to write a book about you.

I remember when you first noticed the scars on my wrist. I remember when I would skip class and you would come find me. Sometimes alone, sometimes with the rest of our “band of brothers.”

I wonder, do you remember? Or have you let go of it all so easily. Honestly, I don’t know what I want more. I don’t know if I want the memories and the sadness to haunt you like it does me, or if I want you to move on and be happy. I think, if I’m really, deep down, honest with myself, the answer is both.

I came to this revelation the other day while I was thinking about how unfair it is that I should have to live with this pain every day of my life and you should get to keep moving forward as though nothing ever happened: I bear it so you don’t have to.

I realize, now, that I am built to bear this pain. The years have molded me into someone strong enough for this sorrow. You, though, were not built for this. And I don’t say this to put you down; I say this because you proved that you were not built for this. You proved your ineptness when you said, “You drain me” to a kid who already felt like a burden. You proved it when you promised that you “weren’t sick of me yet,” then told me the last time we talk that “you don’t care to have a relationship with me.”

But I am built to bear it all; the memories, the regrets, the shame, the sorrow. I bear the weight of our broken relationship so that you can live your life and be happy and do the things you love to do.

It’s been a year since this all happened, and I promise you there hasn’t been a day that’s gone by that I haven’t remembered you. The sad truth is, the same can’t be said for you. I know you well enough to know that you let things go very easily – too easily – and you never took responsibility. Excuses and reasons were your go-to responses. Did you know me well enough to know that I never held that over you? I showed you grace, but you never showed me any.

I was listening to this song a few weeks ago that perfectly describes how I feel right about now. It goes, ” You begged for grace, you left no grace for me.” (“Closer”, Johnnyswim) I hope you learned from the mistakes you made with me so that the next person who gets close to you never has to go through what I did.

All the best,

Brian

(P.S. – I finally wrote that book you wanted me to write about you. Except you’re not the hero.)


Dear O.R.

I’m angry.

I’m angry because I never did anything to you to warrant being cut out of your life. Apparently, our friendship was so shallow as to be defined by proximity. Did you think I would forget? Did you think I wouldn’t care? Please tell me you know me better than that. I never forget and I never don’t care.

Remember when I was crushed by a girl I liked and you came and drug me out of my room and back to the real world? Probably not. Remember when we just walked through downtown alone and in silence, simply enjoying hanging out with each other? Again, not likely.

People like you forget too easily.

I wrote a story about you too. The same story J.J.’s in, actually. Except you’re not the hero either. 

It was hard, though, trying to explain what you did when I still don’t know myself. I don’t understand it at all. I can only make an educated guess. What harm did being friends with me on Facebook do to you or your friendship with J.J.? Did he ask you to cut me off? Is that the type of person he’s become?

I don’t know. I’ll probably never know. But I hope you learn one day not to forget so easily. Because forgetting gives us license to be shallow and cold.

We have to remember, though, even if it’s painful. Because, even if we aren’t friends anymore, we used to be and we owe each other our memories. We owe each other that much.

So, I know that I’ll probably never see you again and that saddens me deeply. And I know that I’ll probably never get the closure I need, but I want to ask you just one thing: will you remember me?

All the best,

Brian

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Letters, Letters to My Future Soulmate, Life, Love, Thoughts

letters to my future soulmate // the second

Dear Future Soulmate,

What do you dream of? Do you dream of me?  Do you imagine what our life will be like? Do you imagine our kids? Maybe even our pets? Do you dream of our first date? The first time we hold hands as we walk the coastline? Our first kiss? I do.

What do you hope for? Do you hope for a well-to-do life or will my love be enough? Do you hope for a house full of kids or am I all you need? I hope for these things too. I hope to provide for us so that you never have to go wanting. I hope that our love is  : what will inspire our children to grow into amazing men and women of God.

What do you fear? Do you fear the dark? Do you fear the night, what lurks in the shadows of your heart? Do you fear instability? Do you fear the past? Do you fear insecurity? Let me be the one to hold your hand in the dark, to wrap my arms around your shivering body and ward off the nightmares. I will never leave you alone to fight on your own. I promise. You and I, we can make something beautiful out of our pasts. Let’s mend them together and mold a brilliant future. Together.

What do you enjoy? Listening to Christmas music while drinking hot cocoa next to the Christmas tree? Reading a good book by the fireplace? Expressing yourself through paint? Music? Pictures? Writing? Let me be the one to sing Christmas songs to you while I make us hot cocoa. I’ll write stories for you – stories you can read by the fireside. The worlds I create, they’re all for you.

Wherever you are, whatever you’re going through, I hope you know how much you are loved. And we haven’t even met yet.

Love always,

Your future soulmate