Life, Love, Thoughts

i’m getting better

I realized today that the ups and downs of my mind aren’t as hard for me as they used to be. The insecurities aren’t as hard to overcome. The hurt and the wounds aren’t as hard to forget. The offense isn’t as hard to forgive. I’m getting better.

Yesterday, I was put off for a minute by a couple of my best friends. They, who happen to be the young adults group leaders in my church, were talking about how they had invited a couple of newcomers over to their dinner…. And they didn’t invite me. Now, at first I was confused because I didn’t understand why I wouldn’t be invited. And my mind, as it often will, immediately races to conclusions like: “they don’t want me around anymore” or “they’ve found new best friends now” or “this is it – this is the moment I fade away again, the moment I stop being important.” 

As the day wore on, I meditated on why this was so upsetting to me. My friends were only doing what they felt led to do as young adult leaders – connecting with new young adults and building that relationship. And I realized: these are my best friends, but I’m not supporting the position that God has placed them in. What kind of friend does that make me?

Once I realized this I realized how selfish I tend to be when I get insecure. So I immediately apologized to my friends and told them that I want to be a support to them in their ministry; not a burden.

But, you see, what’s awesome is that a month ago I would’ve been stubborn. I would have refused to acknowledge my own selfishness. I would’ve thrown myself a pity party. Me me me. 

But if I really, truly love my best friends – and I do – then I need to set myself aside and throw water on the seed that God has given them. Water and not fire. 

I’m getting better, I am. Because God is refining me. It hurts, but the conviction and the process makes me feel connected to Him. And I crave this connection. 

Even as I write this whilst feeling miserable and gross thanks to this unexpected cold… It’s good to be alive.

Because life is good and I’m getting better.

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