I’m beginning to realize that my life is just a constant cycle of ups and downs and, frankly, it’s starting to get to me. I feel like all I’m doing is striving and I just can’t see the fruit of it. I can’t see the end and I don’t know how much farther I can go.
I’m tired of being single. Yeah, I’ve read all that “singleness is a blessing” crap, but I just don’t feel that. Yes, I’ve heard all the “God’s got someone for you” cliche’s, but I’m tired of waiting.
I’m tired of giving all I am for nothing. I’m tired of trying to show the people around me – even people I’ve only just begun to know – the love of Jesus only to feel like it’s doing nothing. I’m tired of sowing and watering and sowing and watering and all I get is dirt.
I’m tired of reading my Bible and feeling empty inside. I’m tired of singing all these songs and feeling like I’m just going through the motions. I’m tired of keeping up this “Good Christian Leader” persona while inside I feel like death. I’m tired of the dark. I’m tired of waking up every morning and being so mentally, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted that I just can’t do the things I used to enjoy anymore.
I’m tired of being the outcast because I don’t watch certain movies, act a certain way, say certain things, listen to certain music, etc… I’m tired of feeling like no one who doesn’t believe in God will ever want to be my friend just because I do believe. I’m tired of feeling like I’m constantly failing to meet all the expectations that people have put on me. I’m tired of feeling inadequate. I’m tired of feeling not good enough. I’m tired of trying to get to know people every chance I get and them just shutting down. I’m tired of giving my all and feeling like it means nothing.
I’m tired of striving. What’s the point anymore? If there’s no fruit, what’s the point?
I know that we all go through seasons like this and, yeah, maybe I’ll come through it, but it’s starting to get to be too much. It’s starting to feel like I should just give up.
All I want to do is roll over and sleep.
Because I’m tired.