i am raw and torn,
cut through to the deep of bone;
-brian alexander mcbride
If you’ve been keeping up-to-date on this blog, you’re probably at least vaguely aware of what I’ve been going through lately. I had a crush on another boy.
Well, things have changed.
In the midst of this personal, spiritual, and emotional crisis, I did my best to channel everything I felt toward this boy into trying to be his friend and show him the love of Christ. It didn’t work at first, but after a while forcing myself to focus on something else helped a little.
That night, something shifted in me. It was Sunday night and I had to work a closing shift. The store (Target) was closed and I was quietly doing some last minute clean-up and suddenly it hit me. I was thinking about this boy I was getting to know and I began to feel something, but it was different than what I’d been feeling. So I kind of paused and meditated on it, letting it sink in. Soon, I was overwhelmed by this love – the purest sense of the word – for him and a desperation for his soul. It was like God had suddenly overwhelmed the depths of me with everything that HE feels toward this boy – that desperation for a relationship with him, that desire for intimacy with this boy who He called son, this boy his was a prodigal, that longing for closeness. In that moment I felt toward this boy everything that God feels toward him.
Then, all day Monday, I felt this great and terrible burden like an ache inside my chest and as I lay in bed that night, contemplating it, I could articulate it. I am desperate for this boy to know Jesus like I know Jesus. And the fact that he doesn’t yet torments me.
It’s this new level of understanding of the heart of God and it feels like both a blessing and a curse. It’s like my eyes have been opened to this whole other realm of wonder, but in this realm there are both great and terrible things.
And I feel it all.
I am raw and torn by this wonder and this desperation – like the ache of the thirsty for water. This longing to see this boy come to know Jesus has cut me through to the deep of bone.
I am undone. And I am determined that this boy should know Jesus like I do. Because there’s something wild in me.
And His name is Jesus.