to the deep of bone

i am raw and torn,

cut through to the deep of bone;

-brian alexander mcbride

If you’ve been keeping up-to-date on this blog, you’re probably at least vaguely aware of what I’ve been going through lately. I had a crush on another boy.

Well, things have changed.

In the midst of this personal, spiritual, and emotional crisis, I did my best to channel everything I felt toward this boy into trying to be his friend and show him the love of Christ. It didn’t work at first, but after a while forcing myself to focus on something else helped a little.

That night, something shifted in me. It was Sunday night and I had to work a closing shift. The store (Target) was closed and I was quietly doing some last minute clean-up and suddenly it hit me. I was thinking about this boy I was getting to know and I began to feel something, but it was different than what I’d been feeling. So I kind of paused and meditated on it, letting it sink in. Soon, I was overwhelmed by this love – the purest sense of the word – for him and a desperation for his soul. It was like God had suddenly overwhelmed the depths of me with everything that HE feels toward this boy – that desperation for a relationship with him, that desire for intimacy with this boy who He called son, this boy his was a prodigal, that longing for closeness. In that moment I felt toward this boy everything that God feels toward him.

Then, all day Monday, I felt this great and terrible burden like an ache inside my chest and as I lay in bed that night, contemplating it, I could articulate it. I am desperate for this boy to know Jesus like I know Jesus. And the fact that he doesn’t yet torments me.

It’s this new level of understanding of the heart of God and it feels like both a blessing and a curse. It’s like my eyes have been opened to this whole other realm of wonder, but in this realm there are both great and terrible things.

And I feel it all.

I am raw and torn by this wonder and this desperation – like the ache of the thirsty for water. This longing to see this boy come to know Jesus has cut me through to the deep of bone.

I am undone. And I am determined that this boy should know Jesus like I do. Because there’s something wild in me.

And His name is Jesus.


1 thought on “to the deep of bone”

  1. This. This is what I go through when I have a crush. I feel like I love him, but the feeling isn’t free, doesn’t feel unselfish. I hold onto that feeling, though. That selfish part of me doesn’t want to give it up. I like this feeling. I like feeling in love with someone. But then comes God’s whisper. He says that it isn’t true love because love is “not selfish.” The Holy Spirit comes rushing in and something inside of me changes. I no longer love that person in a way that I would want to marry them. I have an overwhelming feeling of passion for that person’s salvation, and a sadness that they may not ever know God like I do or may not have the pleasure of being united with Him in heaven. And suddenly my selfish feeling of “love” is changed instead to burning love that is pure and that is unselfish and that is free. It is the kind of love that God loves us with. The kind of love that God is. And it’s better than anything that I could have wanted, because God is everything we’ve ever wanted. Because God is true love. And if we are looking for love, we are looking for God. And if we are looking for God, we will find love.

    Sorry for practically writing a whole book here. But it’s so good to know that someone feels the same way. I pray that God will lead you in finding a way to bring this boy to Him, and I hope you will pray the same for me.

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