It’s when you think you’ve won, that you discover you’ve really just reached an armistice – a moment of temporary peace. Then, you end up playing the fool.
I didn’t realize until this week that the demons of past failed relationships aren’t actually gone. Sure, I’ve healed for the most part. I mean, I used to cringe if someone even said the name of my former friends – even if said former friends aren’t the ones to whom the person is referring. I don’t anymore. I get sad sometimes, sure. But the gut-wrenching trauma and heartbreak is over.
Apparently, though, there are lasting affects to such things. Like, now I can’t seem to maintain a healthy, functional relationship with people as friends anymore without second-guessing everything. Now, I’m a completely dysfunctional moron who has to talk himself down when I start to overthink.
See, in recent months I’ve managed to find a sort of group in my church that I just clicked with. We call ourselves “The Squad.” I know. So original. In any case, despite our complete and utter subjugation to silly social cliches, we’ve spent a lot of time together, just hanging out, getting to know each other, watching movies, learning music together. It’s been great.
And then this week, a feeling of dread and maybe a hint of cynicism laced the pit of my stomach. Maybe it’s because, thanks to “J.J.” and “O.R.” and several other people, I now have a completely dysfunctional outlook on friendships and have the hardest time maintaining a positive outlook.
As it turns out, the demons aren’t dead. Not yet, anyway. I mean, I still believe that someday, (soon, I hope) God will lift this burden completely off my shoulders.
But maybe that’s wishful thinking?
I guess, though, life’s just one long series of wishful thoughts. Why stop now?
P.S. – As I’m sure you can tell, this post was pretty emotionally charged. I won’t apologize. I hate my demons. I’m not going to fluff them up or try to make them seem inspirational or motivational with a quote or Scripture. I won’t patronize you or myself like that. Instead, I’ll just say this: don’t accept your demons. They don’t belong here. They’re ugly and they don’t belong here. And I hate them with all that I am because they destroy me.
And God’s the only One allowed to touch those parts of me.