Where are You taking me? I’m not sure where I’m going. I feel excited and nervous and anxious and scared. And I hate that I don’t know where I’m going. My heart is being pulled in about a thousand different directions. If I’m honest, I don’t know that I want this mantle of ministry I’ve carried since I felt the call all those years ago. It’s scary. And it’s hard. And it’s painful.
Sometimes, I wish for a simpler life. Wouldn’t it be much easier to just be a Christian attending church faithfully while being able to pursue my dreams at the college of my choice? I could’ve been a professional writer, photographer, graphic designer, musician. Instead, I almost feel like I’m forced to go to college for ministry. And while I love it, at the same time I… dread it. Is this what it’s going to be like for the rest of my ministry? Is it going to be nothing but pain as I watch the students I’ve loved and cherished and invested my time and energy into walk away from you? Is it going to be nothing but blood and bruises as parents deride me for being direct about the real issues those kids are facing? Is it nothing but disappointment when I see parents make horrible decisions that affect their kids horribly?
Dad, I could be leading thousands to You through my music. Wouldn’t that be time better spent? Wouldn’t my talents be more useful then?
You know the thoughts of my heart. You know my dreams and desires. You know how I long to live alone pursuing the things that make me happy in a loft overlooking New York City. You know how I long for the solitude and the wonder of dwelling among Your creation in a lonely cottage in Ireland. You know how I long to simply be only a worship leader and let someone else take up the mantle of youth pastor. You know how I long to travel the world and awaken the wonder within me.
You know all these things, but still You call me toward this ministry. Not just as a youth pastor, but also as a worship leader. But how often do youth pastors travel the world leading worship with Hillsong and Planetshakers? I guess it just seems like I have to be one or the other.
But maybe I can be both.
God, give me the ability and the desire to step into the call You’ve placed on my life without hesitation, fearless. Let Your thoughts become my thoughts.
If it’s Your will, illuminate the path before me, but if not… give me peace through the mystery. Separate my will from Your will. Make Your desires clear to me and make them my own.
I don’t want to do anything apart from You, for I can do nothing without You.
Abba, I long to know joy in the hard times. I long to know peace amidst the storm. I long to feel celebration when I should feel sorrow. I’m a dreadfully sullen and brooding person. But make me like You. Mold me into a person of joy and constant happiness. Let me be satisfied in You alone.
Don’t let failure take from me my birthright. Don’t let unforgiveness and bitterness and hurt bring me away from my purpose.
Make me Your mosaic, Father. The fractures between the pieces are still visible, but let Your light shine through them.
Radiate Yourself through my undoing.
Father, there is one thing I desire: It’s You. Everything You have for me, everywhere You’re taking me. All of it.
You’re all I want.